Reflections on Self-Talk

Recently, I was asked how I talked to myself.  My immediate response was “I don’t know – I guess I really don’t talk to myself?”.  I was told that very likely I did – maybe not literally – but the inner dialogues that went on silently inside.  Sometimes self-talk is a reflection or echoing of what someone else is saying – for example – in a sports team setting.  Perhaps the coach is telling the team that they either did something really well – or they were terrible.  Each of the players may be taking that message and internalizing it.  “I’m really doing good” or “I am a really bad player and not good for this team”.

When I was running, I learned not to attach my value or worth to my pace.  Specifically, not to compare it to anyone else.  I tried hard to be “good” with what I did, and objectively look at the numbers if I needed to.  Not every run was for pace, or distance.  Every day was different, and every day I was different.  I learned NOT to label myself as slow, especially in the presence of others.  Not knowing whether or not someone else might be slower than I am, I did not want them to feel less than because of me.  As I am starting to dip my toes back into the running/fitness arena, it is a real challenge to NOT compare myself to what I used to be able to do.  Instead, I remind myself that this is a new path, a new journey with new adventures to be discovered.  I try to use the “before” as a basis to know that what I want to accomplish is possible.  I know that time and patience will get me to where I want to be. 

Learning to really listen to what you tell yourself – or allow yourself to believe is really challenging.  The next challenge is to inspect that conversation and challenge validity.  It’s amazing how often I allow myself to be vulnerable to a generalized statement that someone else makes.  I apply it to myself – and usually that statement isn’t very positive.  It requires conscious effort to remind myself that the opinion of another is just that – their opinion or impression of a situation.  I am not responsible for their thoughts – and certainly don’t have to give them space.  It can be really hard sometimes – especially if it is a person that is important to you.

I realize now how negative I had let my “self-talk” become about myself – and how I let others feed into it.

Giving myself grace has been a challenge, and I am winning the battle.  Little things – like “I am doing the best I can at this moment”, or “I did the best I could given the situation”.  I look at statements made by others as a reflection of their current situation – and probably a veiled statement about how they are feeling about themselves.

I retired from work in November.  Much harder than I thought it would be.  Work was becoming very difficult – it was often not available, and I had to wait until afternoon to know whether or not I would have work for the day.  This resulted in frustration and wasted time.  It was obvious after a while that it was actually costing me to work.  Still, I was equating my worth to my ability to work for income.  Writing my resignation letter was hard.  Turning it in was hard.  Believing that a Social Security Check would be deposited was hard.

The hardest part has been redefining my worth.  You know, realizing that I am more than my profession.  Although I do believe that “once a nurse, always a nurse” is very true.  It’s more of a lifestyle.  I do not miss the anxiety of worrying about whether I would have a work assignment.  I am still fascinated by the thought that I get to plan my day, and for the most part, it’s not based on the whims of others!  I don’t allow myself to feel guilty for planning “fun” activities.  Please realize that “fun” activities are a vital part of each day. 

I try to set aside time for reflecting on self-talk.  What do I need to remind myself of?  What should I not be listening to?  Am I being realistic?  I really dislike false praise – it is as detrimental as believing generalizations spewed by others.

Another big lesson for me from all this?  Being careful about how I talk to others and about others.  If I am susceptible to the opinions of others, I assume that others may be as well.  If I can’t be positive or optimistic about something, I try to not be rude or denigrating. 

Yet another lesson in grace for me…and a challenge for you – how is your self-talk?  How about your talk about others?  Are you being supportive?  Are you helping someone to devalue themselves?