Author: mommalert

It’s been a while.  I’ve written many, many blogs in my head – they never made it to the screen.  Saturday was an exceptionally wonderful day.  Spent with family and good friends, the weather was perfect.  Following is a collection of thoughts over the past few months.

Children

               I make no secret of the fact that I am very proud of Beth and Walt (and their respective partners).  These 4 young folks are blessings in our lives.  As I watch them living out their passions in life, being true to their values and beliefs; I see hope for the future.  When I think back to the first time I held them, so tiny and yet intimidating, I knew I was holding important parts of our future.  I knew we had been given very precious gifts to care for.  At the time, I learned about a new kind of love – a mother’s love.  What I never dreamt, though, was the profound emotional bond – the intense love and admiration that continues to develop.  I remembering looking at them in awe and wonderment as newborns – but never in my wildest imagination could I conceive the things they have achieved.    I am in constant joyful anticipation of their next achievements.

Loss

               August was emotionally painful for us.  We lost our sister rather unexpectedly.  We were blessed to be able to be with her for the night and holding her hands as she passed peacefully.  Shortly after that, my Mom’s little pup, Rusty, was struck by a vehicle and killed instantly.  It’s interesting the effect death can have – more than the sorrow bereavement brings.  We experienced the blessing of being brought closer together in one instance, as well as the discomfort of a divisive and painful rift in the other.  Something that stood out to me, though, (even though I have dealt with a number of deaths in the past) is the brevity of life.  One minute – one breath there is life, then it’s gone.  Even though in many cases, death is expected (and let’s be real here – we are all going to die); it’s never really expected.  There is rarely a warning that lets you know when that last breath is coming.  Please – never hold back in telling someone how precious they are to you, showing them, caring for them.  Because you can literally be one breath away from them never getting to know that, or to hear your words.  And yes, that applies to our furkids as well.

Self-care

               I have had to learn this lesson so many times.  Please, take time to put your own needs as a priority.  No one can “make” you feel inferior or “less than” unless you allow it.  Your thoughts are powerful.  Don’t allow negative or toxic people to take up space in your life – even if they are family.  It is important to realize that on some level(s), you may deeply care for a person – but if they are toxic to your well-being (mentally, physically, spiritually) – you are not compelled to keep them close.  Care for them from a distance as long as necessary.  Set your boundaries and realize that it is important to honor them.  Respect for those boundaries must start within you. 

               Make time for your joy.  Those things that are your passion – and bring joy into your life.  Understand that what brings you joy may make no sense to the world.  That’s okay.  Don’t compare your joyful activities to others.  Respect their differences – more importantly, respect your need for joy.  It’s okay to take time to create beauty as you see it. 

               Bill took me for a plane ride to see the fall colors.  The only time for at least a year that I have been in the plane.  Yes, I know – all I had to do was ask.  Instead, I prioritized things that I felt were more important to accomplish because they weren’t for me.  My choice, can’t blame anyone else.  There is a moment when you are flying – the time when the plane “rotates” – when you reach the speed necessary for the plane to fly – and the wheels lift off the ground.  It is magical, the sense of being free of the ground and part of the air.  This is when my heart soars and sings – and brings tears to my eyes.  Tears of gratitude and joy.  And this time, tears for the time that I didn’t put my wants on the front burner, tears for missed opportunities.  I lost sight of the fact that the sky has looked really far away for a very long time.  It got closer on Saturday – felt like home.  IYKYK.

Moving Day

               As our semi-annual moving day approaches, we find ourselves packing for warmer climes and tying up loose ends.  We endure a fair amount of ribbing because of our trek south – “wimping out”, “afraid of the cold and snow”, going south to “get rest and not have to worry about life”.  Judgment about lifestyle can be rather cruel and thoughtless.  We worked hard to be able to travel if we choose.  Since our home moves with us, maintenance is ongoing – and we do understand the demands of home ownership.  We are not “afraid” of the winter weather.  If need be, we would stay in Michigan.  However, at the moment, we have the freedom and flexibility to choose to relocate to an area that we can enjoy outdoor activities through the winter months safely.  When we leave Michigan physically, our cares and concerns for family and friends don’t cease – if anything, they intensify to a degree because we are physically distant.  Please check the judgment at the door….

More thoughts later – find your grace.

Recently, I was asked how I talked to myself.  My immediate response was “I don’t know – I guess I really don’t talk to myself?”.  I was told that very likely I did – maybe not literally – but the inner dialogues that went on silently inside.  Sometimes self-talk is a reflection or echoing of what someone else is saying – for example – in a sports team setting.  Perhaps the coach is telling the team that they either did something really well – or they were terrible.  Each of the players may be taking that message and internalizing it.  “I’m really doing good” or “I am a really bad player and not good for this team”.

When I was running, I learned not to attach my value or worth to my pace.  Specifically, not to compare it to anyone else.  I tried hard to be “good” with what I did, and objectively look at the numbers if I needed to.  Not every run was for pace, or distance.  Every day was different, and every day I was different.  I learned NOT to label myself as slow, especially in the presence of others.  Not knowing whether or not someone else might be slower than I am, I did not want them to feel less than because of me.  As I am starting to dip my toes back into the running/fitness arena, it is a real challenge to NOT compare myself to what I used to be able to do.  Instead, I remind myself that this is a new path, a new journey with new adventures to be discovered.  I try to use the “before” as a basis to know that what I want to accomplish is possible.  I know that time and patience will get me to where I want to be. 

Learning to really listen to what you tell yourself – or allow yourself to believe is really challenging.  The next challenge is to inspect that conversation and challenge validity.  It’s amazing how often I allow myself to be vulnerable to a generalized statement that someone else makes.  I apply it to myself – and usually that statement isn’t very positive.  It requires conscious effort to remind myself that the opinion of another is just that – their opinion or impression of a situation.  I am not responsible for their thoughts – and certainly don’t have to give them space.  It can be really hard sometimes – especially if it is a person that is important to you.

I realize now how negative I had let my “self-talk” become about myself – and how I let others feed into it.

Giving myself grace has been a challenge, and I am winning the battle.  Little things – like “I am doing the best I can at this moment”, or “I did the best I could given the situation”.  I look at statements made by others as a reflection of their current situation – and probably a veiled statement about how they are feeling about themselves.

I retired from work in November.  Much harder than I thought it would be.  Work was becoming very difficult – it was often not available, and I had to wait until afternoon to know whether or not I would have work for the day.  This resulted in frustration and wasted time.  It was obvious after a while that it was actually costing me to work.  Still, I was equating my worth to my ability to work for income.  Writing my resignation letter was hard.  Turning it in was hard.  Believing that a Social Security Check would be deposited was hard.

The hardest part has been redefining my worth.  You know, realizing that I am more than my profession.  Although I do believe that “once a nurse, always a nurse” is very true.  It’s more of a lifestyle.  I do not miss the anxiety of worrying about whether I would have a work assignment.  I am still fascinated by the thought that I get to plan my day, and for the most part, it’s not based on the whims of others!  I don’t allow myself to feel guilty for planning “fun” activities.  Please realize that “fun” activities are a vital part of each day. 

I try to set aside time for reflecting on self-talk.  What do I need to remind myself of?  What should I not be listening to?  Am I being realistic?  I really dislike false praise – it is as detrimental as believing generalizations spewed by others.

Another big lesson for me from all this?  Being careful about how I talk to others and about others.  If I am susceptible to the opinions of others, I assume that others may be as well.  If I can’t be positive or optimistic about something, I try to not be rude or denigrating. 

Yet another lesson in grace for me…and a challenge for you – how is your self-talk?  How about your talk about others?  Are you being supportive?  Are you helping someone to devalue themselves?

May has been a month of testing – testing patience, sanity, faith, belief, and sometimes reality.  I can’t remember the last time I had a really good night’s sleep.  It’s getting better. Slowly.

Grief is a weird animal.  It pops up at the most unexpected times and in the most unexpected ways.  When we returned to Michigan, the pain of losing Piper returned with a vengeance.  I think it was because we spent a lot of time wandering through the campground and surrounding woods.  At the end of April, we traveled to Wisconsin for a celebration of my uncle’s life.  It was a very pleasant time, and at the same time, very stressful.  Watching my Mom and her sibs – it was hard.  The location – Spooner – was bittersweet.  We’ve made several trips there – and they are now always for one reason.  Someone else has died.  That realization is incredibly sad, as is the realization that the only time the siblings get together is to celebrate a life after it is over.  It would be such a delight to get together and celebrate life for the living without having to mourn as well.

May is also the time we start to catch up on our Michigan appointments and commitments.  Busy time trying to coordinate schedules, sometimes so busy that we forget to schedule in a little down time for relaxation.

Two weeks ago (feels like yesterday), we were treated to the unforgettable experience of identity theft and monetary loss.  Somewhere out there, there is a person pretending to be me – apparently with photo identification to prove it.  What little sense of sanity and concentration just went out the window.  Fortunately, after two weeks of non-stop recovery efforts on our own, we seem to be holding our own.  With the overshadowing knowledge that we are not done, and probably won’t be for quite a while.  By the time we were assigned a recovery “specialist”, she was able to tell me I had taken care of just about everything correctly.

In a really weird coincidence, shortly after the initial theft, my wallet that I lost 3 years ago was found in the car I had been in when I realized it was missing.  Everything was intact.  For 3 years, I had been mad at myself for being so careless with an item that carried not only a fair amount of cash, but credit cards, ID cards, and the like.  What an amazing realization that I could forgive myself – because I was sure that I  was the reason for the ID theft.  Three years of feeling stupid, careless, and putting us at risk.  The knowledge that I was not responsible for providing information to someone to take my identity.

Last week, issues at church.  By that point, I was tired of being the nice person and being jerked around.  Finally screwed up the courage to say goodbye.  I didn’t expect it to feel so good.  Then I said “no” to a demand for my time on another front – whoa – not even a little feeling of guilt!

During all of this, God’s grace has been shining so brightly.  I would have to be comatose not to see his hand at work.  Yes, it has been really challenging – but the evidence of his presence with me through it all is there like a neon sign.  They days that we were so busy with recovery efforts were the days that I didn’t receive any work.  The times that seemed so dark were brightened by noticing the lovely spring flowers that were blooming.  The times were it felt like my head was going to explode from trying to process everything and I was able to find time to play in the dirt and plant things, or tend to my succulent garden.

The biggest GRACE LESSON, though, has been through a little tabby cat with intense green eyes.  God sent Iris.  Apparently, Iris was surrendered when her owner had to go into a skilled care facility.  She immediately greeted us at the shelter – kind of like she chose us then.  We’ve never had a cat before, and now I’m not sure why.  There is no comparing her to Piper, no competition for memory or living space.

Iris has taught me about cat naps.  Those times when she makes herself comfortable on my lap – and nothing on earth or in heaven will induce me to disturb her napping.  Actually, I find myself dozing off.  She is very sensitive to my being upset – her timing is impeccable.  She will nestle in my lap, place her paws on my chest, and gently knead with her front paws and purr.  She stares into my eyes for a bit – as if to say “give it to me, and take my peace”. Then we both close our eyes and doze.  It’s not for long, just the perfect amount of time and energy exchange.

This is not to say that I don’t receive love and support from my family – I do.  But it’s different, and it’s delightful.

My GRACE LESSONS have been many:

1. He will always be there – no matter how bad it gets.  That is His promise -not to make the way smooth without problem, but to be at our side through it.
2. Trust His timing – ours is tenuous at best.
3. There really is reason and season for everything.
4. Play in the dirt, grow green things.  It’s good for your soul.
5. Don’t wait until you’re pushed to your limits.  Set your limits and honor them.  Expect people to honor them as well.
6. Remove toxic people and situations from your life.  You’re worth more than that.
7. Cherish the people in your life that radiate positivity.  The ones that tell you how blessed they are, and about the good in other people.  Celebrate the good.
8. Avoid people who espouse the victim mentality.  The ones who never take responsibility for their life and blame others.
9. Find yourself a furry therapist, let them teach you about rest and recovery.  How to slow down and find joy in the moment.

My favorite grace lesson:  God sent Iris!

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about comfort zones lately.  Likely because I’ve been feeling stagnant l– and growth occurs outside of your comfort zone.  I know this is true. 

What is your comfort zone and what is keeping you there?  Is your comfort zone simply being happy with the status quo?  Are you there because it is just too much effort to break out?  Or are you stuck there because of someone (your boss, your job, your family)?  Are you just too lazy to exert the effort?  Is it fear, complacency, the weather, too sunny, too cloudy, etc?  Let those excuses continue to build, and they will box you in.  Eventually, it may become a prison.

As I think about this, I realize that I don’t have just one comfort zone.  Pretty sure I can identify at least 12 areas in my life that I consider having comfort zones.  Right now, they are edging toward or are in the danger zone.

I think about a continuum with apathy being one end, and joie de vivre as the other.  Neither is a solid end point, more a direction of the continuum.  Comfort Zone lives along the line, and I can see that it edges toward the apathy direction more than joie de vivre.

Comfort zones are not meant to be lived in.  They can easily become a prison-and a danger zone.

Goal CZ

My goals have sadly fallen into a comfort zone.  I know this because none of my goals are scary or big anymore.  I understand that sometimes, making it through the day is a true big goal, maybe even scary for some.  Thankfully, it is not for me.  But sometimes it is my goal – because – apathy.  It’s easier to choose something totally not challenging, one that I know will happen without thought or effort. 

Why?  So many reasons…am I worth making those big scary goals? …might take too much time and energy? …listening to people around me saying that the big goals are too big? …fear of reaching the big goal? …doubting myself?

All of those reasons play a part.  I take ownership of the problem.  Time to do a hard reset.  I know that in the past I set some pretty outrageous goals and surpassed them.  It was a process and took some practice.  Time to dust off the practice skills and restart the process.  The things that excited me and challenged me in terms of goals then are not the same now. 

How

The how part sounds easy – surround myself with positive, motivational people.  Study people that are successfully accomplishing the goals I identify – seek out encouragers.  Believe that I can do this (actually, this is the first and most important “how”).  Divest myself of the people that bring negativity to the table. 

It seems that as a society, we have a preponderance of blame shifters instead of those willing to take ownership of their lives.  It has become easier to blame everyone (our bosses/coworkers/friends/teachers/government/etc.) else for our failures or mediocrity.  Instead of working for something we want, we expect to have it fall into our lap. 

How? With a good measure of grace and compassion.  With effort, with failure, with starting over again – and again – and again until I succeed.  Celebrating the baby steps and slips that signal forward progress.  Being on the lookout for new goals once the current ones are accomplished or within reach.

When

If not now, when?  Yesterday would have been better…

Why

When things get stagnant, they start to stink…like attitudes, opinions, swamps….

To be continued…

It’s been a while…I’ve written many blogs in my mind, they just never make it to the screen.  I find it interesting to see what our winter season brings to me in terms of learning and growth.  This season has been abundant in personal growth and learning opportunities.

In my last blog, I talked about Piper.  Although I miss her deeply, I realize that I wasn’t doing her any favors.  Watching her try to stand after laying down for a while was getting painful (for me – I can only imagine what it must have felt like for her).  I love looking at her pictures on my phone.  I love greeting and loving on other peoples little fur angels.  I know that there is another dog, and possibly a cat in our future.  We have decided that there are a couple things we want to do that aren’t pet friendly, so will probably accomplish those things first – unless God has other plans.  I am excited to see who he will bring into our lives when the time is right.  Piper was truly a gift, and I know that we will be given another great gift or two.

We have rejoiced in the gift of flexibility this season.  Being able to travel on short notice, and being able to put the really important things first (like family and friends – and focus less on things).

We have relished the gift of family and adding new family members.  Welcome Alyssa!  Found joy in watching our children pursue and live out their dreams. 

I have learned that it’s not about being able to fix things when they aren’t right – it’s about being there, just simply being present.  And the importance of honoring your gut feeling.  Jobs, volunteer situations, relationships – they change.  It takes guts to say “enough”, and a lot of bravery to walk away and start fresh.

One of my new projects to tackle is worry less.  We’ve been doing some learning about brain health, and I’ve been doing some independent research about the effects of stress on our body, our mind, our relationships, and our longevity.  I had to figure out that nobody put me in charge of worrying about everything – except me.  I’ve already learned that what others think of me is their issue – and none of my business.  That was a very freeing lesson on its own.  Worry is a thief – it steals joy from today, and casts a shadow on tomorrow.  It causes you to look back with regret when you realize how much time and energy you have wasted on worrying about things that never happened – and all the joy you missed by exchanging worry for being present in the moment.

Spend some time reading about the effect of stress and worry on your body – your general health.  It is devastating.  It affects your memory, your health, your sleep, your nutrition, your relationships, your longevity. While a planned day of rest and self-care is incredibly beneficial and pleasurable, it is vital that you learn how to carve out time to relieve stress.  That may be different for each of us – and that’s okay.  Physical activity is obviously a great outlet – unless you become a slave to an inflexible routine.  Learning new activities – for the sheer pleasure in learning – this also does great things for your brain – create those new neural pathways!  Being creative – for me, knitting or cooking – and perhaps learning a new craft.  Creating something beautiful is good for your soul.  Random acts of kindness for others – yes, even strangers.  Stir up those happy chemicals in your brain.  Play!  Find a kid if you need a reminder – the younger the better.  Find one that hasn’t learned from the world that playing isn’t a good thing.

For me, it’s a work in progress.  I’ve spent a lifetime trying to worry about everything.  It’s not been productive at all.  I don’t need to control everything.  I do need to control my response and reaction – because that is within my realm and responsibility.

I’m trying to stop focusing on the end goals and outcomes.  Instead, I am trying to focus on today, and the next step I need to take to make today and me better than yesterday.  Faster isn’t better – it’s just more stressful.  Meditation is great for this.  So is sitting outside and listening, watching nature, and just being quiet enough to hear the small still voice that is wanting to whisper truths to you.

I’m not saying to stay stuck in your comfort zone.  That is stressful and frustrating.  Take steps out of the zone – tentative baby steps still move you forward.  Take giant steps when you feel comfortable with that – just make some kind of forward progress.  There are so many wonderful opportunities – and they won’t be found by sitting waiting for them to find you. You are never too old to try something new, it’s never too late – except maybe during your last few breaths.  Make sure you fill your life with joy – intentionally.  It’s amazing when you realize how many opportunities you are presented with each day to do just that – and sad to realize how often we pass those opportunities by. 

Add life to your years – you may be surprised at how many years you can add to your life by doing that!

My Grace Lesson – Life is good, find it – create it – share it – live it!

Today was a very hard day for us.  We had to make the heart-wrenching decision to let our Piper cross the Rainbow Bridge.  We were fortunate to have found some angels in disguise at a local Vet clinic that were beyond kind and compassionate.

Our Piper was 15 years old – just shy of 15 ½.  We brought her home the day she was brought into the local shelter when she was 8 weeks old.  I can tell you – 15 years just wasn’t enough.  But we knew in our heart it was time.  When you bring home a new puppy, the last thing on your mind is the end.  As time passes, it starts to enter your mind.  Lately, we have been struggling with when we would have to make the decision.  They say that you know when it’s time.  And you do.  You have the painful realization that quality for your precious companion isn’t there and you know it in your heart.  You feel it – see their pain, realize that to go on would be for your comfort alone.  Your heart argues to just let nature take its course so you have more time together, but it also argues that you know that your beloved companion doesn’t deserve the pain, indignity, and suffering.

And you make the decision.  And if you are blessed beyond belief, you will have the wonderful network of family and friends that we have been blessed with.  Your family will listen, they will share your pain and the agony of your decision, and they will love you through it all.  They will surround you and cover you with love and compassion – let you begin to heal and listen to you repeat the same stories of your time together.  They will cherish your memories with you, sit in silence, offer you the reassurance that what you did was “the right thing” (especially when doubt creeps in).  You will discover angels that will come to check on you – just because they felt God nudge them.  (Thanks to Melvin and Annette!)

We aren’t done with the tears; we aren’t done sharing stories and memories.  It’s going to take some time to not walk in and look for our girl.  It will be hard to sleep all night without getting up to make our midnight runs.  It will also be a relief to not watch her struggle to move, to not see the anxiety and restlessness trying to get comfortable.

Heaven gained a furry angel today.  We have a Piper-sized wound in our heart and soul.  One day, we will find 4 little paws that will help that wound heal – and enlarge our heart yet again.  I used to say that losing them left a hole in your heart.  I think instead that having our pets is a way to increase the size of our hearts and ability to love.  Losing them leaves a wound, and in time, the wound will heal with the right care.  You’ll never be the same, but you’ll be ready to start increasing the size of your heart and ability to love with another when the time is right. 

Keep our family in your prayers please, as we take some time to heal.  Love your precious companion today – extra scritches and maybe an extra treat or two.  Cherish the time and memories together.

Our girl – Piper – August 5, 2007 – January 21, 2023. Love you and miss you!

My last blog post wasn’t exactly uplifting – but it was honest.  We’ve been here in Tampa for a month and a half now.  It’s amazing what you can learn about yourself.  I think I may have learned my most important lessons for this year just recently.  More about that in a minute. 

I am in a much better place mentally, spiritually, and physically.  After setting up camp, I think the first thing we did was start working on hitting 10k steps a day again.  What a difference movement and exercise makes.  I know this, and yet I forget.  The first week was an uphill battle – my legs hurt, I didn’t want to make/take the time, it was hot and humid, the beach wasn’t Mayport, a thousand excuses…  But thanks to Bill and remembering how it used to feel, we persisted.  I think we’ve only missed 10k a day maybe 5 or 6 days since then.  So, lesson 1 was really a remembering…exercise is a critical part of each day.  And when it seems like it takes too much time, I set a goal and divide it in half.  Instead of saying I will walk an hour, I decide to walk 30 minutes out.  Obviously, I have to walk back home, but I am 30 minutes away (at least).  Often this morphs into a longer excursion.  My next goal is to add workouts/cross training back in.  Lesson 2, related, is to not compare me now to what I used to do.  In the past, I was doing cross training 5 or 6 days a week.  Things change, I will not expect to jump right back at the same level.  I will work up to that – or to what feels right for me now.

The first two lessons helped to ground me and reframe my attitude.  Lesson 3 is to never take for granted or become arrogant about your physical ability.  Thinking “I will always be physically active and never let myself be less than that” – you’re setting yourself up for a fall.  Mentally and physically.  Be grateful every day for the ability to move and exercise your body and your mind.  Lesson 3 – gratitude for the amazing body and mind we are given and the responsibility to maintain it.

Lesson 4 – distance and perspective.  When we left Michigan, there were a number of things that were just weighing me down.  I lost perspective and gave in to feelings of being overwhelmed.  Thanks to travel – which provided physical distance, and less “busy-ness”, I had time to reflect on each situation.  One of the most troubling was our church.  When a church becomes a building with conflict, church isn’t.  There were other things that were troubling as well.  In any case – it all just felt overwhelming.  The farther away we traveled, it seemed that my focus on these items actually sharpened.  I have a favorite saying – “be careful who you have in your boat – make sure they are rowing with you and not drilling holes to sink the ship if they can’t be the captain.”  It’s interesting how much stepping back and looking at the whole situation helps you to see and be aware.  You realize that the people you least expect might just be the ones with the drills.  This is true of groups, organizations, and personal relationships.  Don’t be fooled by first impressions (although they can give important clues), smooth talking, or lots of impressive words.  Watch actions, sometimes they shout the truth.

Lesson 5 – trust your gut.  If you doubt your feelings, lessons 1 and 4 might be helpful to clarify and confirm your concerns. Theories, book-smarts – they have their place – but trusting your gut and getting out of your head is a good thing.

As we enter this holiday season, I pray that you are taking care of yourself – making you a priority.  It’s not selfish, you have the time, and you are so worth it!  I also pray that you will take time to reflect on situations that may be weighing you down.  Are you rowing with the crew, or drilling holes because you can’t be the captain (and I think most people, including me, have been there at least once)?  I think that comes under serving the greater good versus serving yourself.

Lesson 1 – Exercise and move – outside if possible.

Lesson 2 – Don’t compare yourself with others – or with your former self.

Lesson 3 – Gratitude each and every day for your body and your mind.

Lesson 4 – Distance and Perspective

Lesson 5 – Trust your gut.

Time to move!

We started our annual trek southbound on Sunday.  This summer was painfully short and definitely not sweet.  There were good times, but mostly frustrating.  We lost almost two of our 5 ½ months in Michigan to COVID.  First was the isolation and waiting, confirming what we already knew, testing positive, and recovery.  Then finished off the summer isolating and escaping, but caring for family that did test positive.  For all you folks that don’t believe it’s a real thing, I don’t even have time for you.

This summer was really stressful – and it wasn’t anyone’s fault but my own.  It took leaving for me to realize this.  How stressful?  Not sleeping, eating horribly, not exercising, not taking/making quiet time for listening for God’s calming voice and feeling his presence.  My body hurts, my mind is chaotic, my spirit is turbulent.  And before anyone starts apologizing – not your fault.  Like I said, it took leaving for me to figure this out.

After much reflection, I realize that distance grants you perspective.  Let’s try for an analogy – you know the old “can’t see the forest for the trees”?  I let myself get so focused on my “trees” – things I perceived to be crises or potential crises – that I lost perspective.  As we drove south, I realized that just because we left Michigan, the same situations were still present – I just had distance between the situation and me.  The “situations” ranged from my health, my family and friends, volunteer organizations, employment, church (especially church right now), even travel plans.  Our Michigan “homebase” campground is for sale, so some unsettled feelings there.  None of that has changed since we left – it’s just a bit more distant. 

When I allow situations to overwhelm me, I lose faith and fail to remember that I don’t have to be in control.  Helplessness and resentment takes over.  Distance causes me to rely on faith that things will work out with my interference.  I completely lose sight of long-term goals and outcomes, as well as the ability to identify the steps to achieve them.  Kinda like somebody took one of my paddles, and I can only propel my canoe in circles.  Frustration follows quickly on the heals of helplessness and resentment.  Frustrated that I should know better, that I don’t take corrective action instead of just overplanning it, that I don’t have faith in the grander, larger plan.

When this stuff starts to happen, I stop doing things that bring me joy.  Probably because I think I don’t deserve it.  I mean, hey – I have to spend all my time ruminating, griping, heaping more “stuff” on my plate.  I also recently realized that the more stressed I am – the more I try to take on.  Like I don’t already have enough on my plate – let’s heap on more.  Maybe, subconsciously, I feel like I will finally be able to control something and will get everything else in line. 

Control, helplessness, resentment, frustration, dissatisfaction – these are all feelings that I allow.  No one is standing over me with a stick trying to beat them in – I am just standing there opening the door and welcoming them.  Distance allows me to really look at the situation, and see it for what it is.  Something I can’t (and shouldn’t) try to control.  Trust that God is indeed in control, and it’s not necessary for me to see the reasons – but it is vital for me to trust and have faith in the outcome.  Not up to me to save the world – He created it, already has the grand plan – all I have to do is trust. 

Perhaps trust is just part of the equation.  God created the world, and I don’t believe He meant for it to be all work and no play.  Appreciating the glorious things he made (and that includes ourselves) is high up on the list of priorities.  Taking care of me has moved up on the priority list considerably. 

My annual wellness visit with my doctor was unsettling this year.  Nothing major, but I was discussing a few minor concerns with her.  Her recommendation/prescription?  Start taking care of myself with the same care I take for others, and before I take care of others.  Make my health a priority.  Now, this sounds suspiciously like the advice I used to hand out to others (and still do).  And yes, I have blogged about this before.  To actually have someone “prescribe” this – not sure how I feel about that.

Bill is so precious.  He never chastises me for my idiosyncrasies – even though he sees them long before I do.  All he does is support and encourage.  Find yourself someone like that – someone who tolerates the grumpy, frumpy, cranky, frustration and loves you anyway.  They don’t decide what you need or make their needs and wants more important than your desires.  For those people have been placed in your life by God’s loving hand and intention.  They inspire you to grow – to climb up out of the chaos and into the sunshine.

I think it’s time to sit among the trees and survey the beauty of the forest.  I don’t need to cut down any trees or rearrange the landscape.  Breathe in the clean, refreshing air, listen to the birds and the sound of the wind, play in the dirt and revel in green growing things.