Author: mommalert

Today was a beautiful day, still is, actually.  I started the day kinda grumpy – hauling butt out of bed before the sun rises can do that to a person.  Before my brain was fully awake, I threw on my running clothes, grabbed some Gatorade, and drove to the beach.  Yes, I drove the whole 1 mile to the beach – it was either that, or miss sunrise – since I hit “snooze” on the alarm twice.  Besides – my brain might have come alive during the walk to the beach and turned my body around to go back to bed.  I have missed the sunrise for the last week, because I was tired and just wanted to sleep in.  This past week was kind of a frumpy week – started after I tried to do my Thanksgiving shopping (groceries) on Tuesday.  I did that last year, and promised myself not to try that madness again.  I remember making that promise, I just had trouble keeping that promise this year.  Anyway – it seemed like a good idea to see if watching the sunrise and having some quiet time on the beach to start the day would make a difference.  It did.  A short, sweet, solitary 5k seemed just the thing to deal with the grumps and frumps.

After church, we set out to find a bait shop.  Having been overwhelmed with the urge to go fishing, we recognized that this particular urge should never be ignored.  Bill was willing to sacrifice his Sunday to take me fishing.  In my book, that makes him a rather exceptional husband.  Surf fishing requires contact with the water, so after donning the appropriate clothing, we packed snacks, Piper, and the Chuck-it with the fishing gear and set off.  Fishing should be considered a form of meditation, it is so peaceful.  Except, of course, when the fish takes the bait.  Bill caught our supper – a nice black drum.  I caught a whiting the size of a bait fish.  I learned a couple things while fishing today… 1 – backlash on a fishing reel is worse than yarn barf – even with the yarn from hell.  It expands your swearing vocabulary.  2 – ripping the heads off shrimp is gross – I mean really gross.  Green stuff oozes out, and gets on your fingers.  3 – threading headless shrimp on the hook is viciously satisfying!  I especially like putting them on the hook butt first.  4 – casting a line with a 3oz sinker requires concentration and force.  This allows you to use the vocabulary you have developed from your backlash experience.  It’s nice to have a guy like Bill that is willing to toss that sucker out for you once in a while.

Supper indeed was pan-seared black drum, dirty rice and veggies.  The fish was delicious – and left us waiting for the opportunity to go fishing again to try more.  Piper is passed out from multiple rounds of Chuck-it, bird-chasing, and chewing on seashells.  We have our feet up, and are just enjoying the good feels of the day.

Random Thoughts

Between the early morning run and the fishing time, there was plenty of thinking time.

“Selfies” – I heard a statement that people who took selfies and posted them “must really be in love with themselves” as though this is a bad thing.  For whatever reason, that stuck around in the cobwebs of my brain for a while.  I think, for the most part, that I disagree with that.  Do you take selfies?  Do you share them?  Why or why not?  We have had our iPhones for 2 years now.  It took me a while to actually try a selfie, and much longer to post one.  Selfies can reveal a lot, I think.  For some people, I think it takes an extraordinary amount of courage to take one and post it on social media.  I admire people that are self-confident enough to take those pictures and post them – you can see the joy and excitement radiating in that picture.  Some of them (the selfies) – you can look at the person and see pain, uncertainty, or sorrow – whether or not they were aware of it.  Is it really a bad thing to be in love with yourself?  In the Bible, it is referred to in the second greatest commandment – “…you shall love your neighbor as you love yourself…”.  Think about it – would you treat your neighbor the way you treat yourself, say the things to them that you say to yourself?  Would it be loving, or would it be bullying?

Self-compassion – wrote about this a while ago.  It is not easy, and requires a lot of effort.  It is much easier to encourage others to be self-compassionate.  It’s easy to talk about, but try to put it in to practice.  I find it quickly devolves into thoughts of not deserving, not being good enough, just not necessary for me – however – for you it is absolutely important.  Obviously, this is a learning opportunity (aka failure).

Doldrums – Weather terminology is so cool!  One dictionary defines this as “an equatorial region with calms, sudden storms, and light, unpredictable winds”.  LOL – this is a bulls-eye description of the way I have been feeling!  Just having such a hard time letting go of not finishing that stupid marathon.  I think I have moved on, put it out of my mind – and then – wham – it comes back to yank my chain again.  So what must one do to lose the doldrums?  Move away from the equator.  Movement, getting one’s body out of bed before the sun, waking up with the world, doing something to generate sweat.  Moving out of the “thinking” place and into the “doing” place.  Making a move to help someone else.  Looks like I have a game plan in the development stages here…  I wonder if “doldrums” is synonymous with “comfort zone”?

Enough thinking for today…

I decided last night that I would treat myself to sunrise on the beach this morning.  Set my alarm, was delighted to wake before it went off, so that I could let Bill sleep; and tried to sneak quietly out of bed.  After dressing, I made myself a matcha latte, grabbed an apple and breakfast bar – and headed to the beach.  On the way, I noticed that we had 100% cloud cover.  Not exactly what I had hoped for….but since I was up – why not?

The beach was deserted, there were two surfers out trying to catch something that resembled a wave.  The time for sunrise arrived, minus the sun.  As the clouds started to thin in spots, I was reminded of faith.  Though I couldn’t see the sun, I knew it was rising.  I could even catch glimpses of blue sky and the sun briefly.  Isn’t that what faith is?  Knowing and believing in what you can’t see?

After watching the sky and sea for a while, I went home to pick up Piper for her beach walk.  We were about 2/3 done with our walk when things got interesting.  By now, the sun is up, wind is blowing, and the workday on base is well under way.  There was a young sailor out running on the beach, and us.  Well, a few surfers down Hannah Park way – but pretty much an empty beach.  Then I noticed an older man on the beach – figured I must have missed seeing him – he was walking and jogging kind of randomly.  He jogged up and past us to a pile of shells that had washed up on the beach.  He picked up a beautiful shell (almost like he knew it was there without having to look for it), turned, and walked up to us and handed me the shell.  “This is yours, you need this.”  I smiled at him, “um, okay.  Thank you.”  Then he told me that he comes to this beach because it is good for the soul.  He explained that it is restorative, refreshing, and renewing.  He told me it was good for me to be here on the beach, and quite a bit more.  The things he shared were things that blessed me – words of wisdom and grace.  Then, he smiled, wished me a wonderful day, and turned back to the shell pile.  I wished him a good day, and Piper and I started walking.  I had taken perhaps 5-10 steps, and turned back to thank him again.  He was gone – nowhere to be seen.  We were not near one of the beach access points, there was nowhere for him to have left the beach in that short amount of time, and I’m pretty sure he couldn’t move that fast.

My beach lessons today were amazing.  The beach encounter still has me somewhere between confused and surreal – but filled with a feeling of warmth and grace.  My faith in the sunrise has been rewarded with a lovely sunshine-filled day.  My mind is full of wonder, grace, and considering angels…

It is so special to be back on the beach!  Two hurricanes have reshaped it into more beauty.  I find the beach a wonderful place to contemplate, restore, and recharge.

We’ve been trying to walk Piper on the beach every day, and so far, we are successful.  She loves her Frisbee, chasing the waves, and crunching on seashells.  On the first or second trip, the ocean stole her Frisbee – and we had one very sad puppy.  Fortunately, the Navy Exchange stocks silicone Kong Frisbees for just such an occasion.  I’ve also been trying to make sure I get a walk on the beach – not to chase or crunch – but to reflect.  It is really easy to accumulate steps here – I am on my 7^th day of at least 15k steps a day.

Two thoughts kept running through my mind on my last beach walk.  First was the Matthew West song “Day One”, and the other was the statement “salt water is the cure for everything (ocean, sweat or tears)”.  I combined the two thoughts, watching the waves wash in over the beach with the incoming – and then outgoing – tide.  I often hear the statement “every day is a new beginning”.  As I watched the waves, I watched the opportunity for new beginnings occur much more frequently.  Every wave washes the top surface of sand and “stuff” away, leaving a new layer and new treasures exposed.  Doesn’t that translate for us?  Waves of the ocean are like breathing for us – a constant process, and most often without thought.  Every breath represents a fresh opportunity for a new beginning.  You don’t have to wait for morning – start with your very next breath!  Salt water – in whatever form it appears – will help wash the dirt and debris away for that new start.  It will uncover and help you discover new treasures that will amaze and delight you!

Here is a question for you – how much self-care and self-compassion do you practice?  Are you as nice to yourself as you are to your friends and family?  Do you hold yourself to harsher, higher standards?  Are those standards realistically achievable?  Do you automatically assume/accept fault and blame when something goes wrong?

I have been considering this quite a bit lately, because I ‘may’ have been accused of being “too hard” on myself.  Really?  The thing is, two of my core beliefs are that I can do anything if I try hard enough, and I should always do my best.  Even when I think I have tried as hard as I can, and did my best; there is a little voice that whispers “was it really?  Really your best effort?  Really as hard as you could have tried?”  I freely judge myself, criticize, and berate myself – and never, ever could I be as harsh to another person.  I am programmed to believe that even my very best could always be better, and I can’t trust other people to hold me to high enough standards or accountability.  Would I do that to my husband, kids, family, or friends?  Absolutely not!  Why?  Because I love them, and I see how hard they try, and how much they have accomplished.

I don’t practice what I preach or believe.  I believe that God made each of us unique, with gifts and talents specifically given to meet the needs we will each encounter.  Fully employing these gifts will bless us as richly as we will bless others when we use them (the gifts).  God made each of us “enough” – just as we are.  Why is that so hard to accept?  What if, just for a couple days, we treated ourselves like we treat other people – believed in our inherent goodness, that our gifts were good enough to share, that our best efforts were just that?  Are you afraid, like I am, that I will get lazy about things or stop trying to do my best?  I am considering the notion that maybe by taking the pressure off myself, and relaxing a bit, I might actually give myself some growing room.

I know and have seen evidence that you can’t care for others unless you first care for yourself.  That is Caregiver Rule #1.  At least, I believe that is true for other people.  I also believe that if you want other people to like you, you need to like yourself – at least a little.  At least, I believe that is true for other people.  Same with respect…

A couple weeks ago, a friend suggested that I change the way I look at my running practice.  I went from making my running and workouts a “first thing” of the day to a treat for me if I was “good”.  Yeah, that crashed and burned – and she was perceptive enough to zero in on that.  She even had the nerve – the very nerve – to suggest that I nail my runs and workouts to benefit me first!  Something about deserving to feel good….or some such nonsense.  This kind of friend is a rare and special treasure, by the way.  If you have one, you know what I mean.  Not afraid to piss you off when the need arises.  I am also fortunate to have someone that asks hard questions – not like the egg and chicken/which came first kind of questions, but the questions that make you look really hard and deep at yourself.  Find yourself someone like that – bless yourself – you deserve it!

So I think my challenge for a while will be to try and judge myself less, explore the idea that I am enough, and let go of some control.  Realize that everything is not my “fault”, and let go of perfection.  I’m not really sure how to start, or how to plan this journey…but maybe that IS the first step.  We’ll make this a leap of faith – want to join me?

This past weekend was a lesson in grace and goodness.  We celebrated (a month and a half early) Mom’s 80^th birthday.  Mom is one of those people, if you were to read her history and physical from a doctor, that would have the statement “appears younger than stated age” – and certainly acts younger than stated age.  Mom is so inspiring – she tackled her fear of water this past year, and continues with her water aerobics classes.  (I’ve joined in the last two classes, and let me tell you – these women are working their butts off!)

Our party was a surprise for Mom, and apparently, it stayed that way until she walked into the party.  Personally, it was a joy overload for me to see so many people share in the celebration.  I love that she has such a wide circle of caring and fun friends.  So many of them expressed gratitude for the inspiration she has brought to them.

I was a little disconcerted at how difficult I found it to lie to Mom about events leading up to the party.  It gets harder, apparently, as you get older.  Now I have to work on trust-building with her again – but she didn’t dunk me in the pool today, so things are not too bad!

Instead of gifts, we asked that everyone bring a rock (decorated if they wanted to), or flower seeds.  What kind of kid asks for rocks for their Mom’s birthday?  (Probably the same kid that used to love to get 40lb bags of potting soil for her greenhouse as a giftJ)  You have to know my Mom – she sees beauty in nature.  She creates masterpieces in her gardens, and tends her yard with love.

More grace – my daughter was able to surprise her Grandma with a visit.  I watch this young woman and am in awe of God and his ability to create such a unique person.  I love that I can still catch glimpses of my baby girl, while at the same time – see a woman with purpose, compassion, boundless love and energy, with more than a touch of “badass” and attitude.

Walt wasn’t able to join us, but having been with him recently, I am amazed at the young man he has grown to be.  More grace and goodness!  He has his Dad’s relaxed personality, an imagination that is unreal, creative, compassionate, caring, boundless love, patience and persistence.  When I look at the kids, I see the best of Bill in them, and fret at my bad habits they seemed to have acquired.  I see they influence that their grandparents have had in their life and am grateful for that.

I love that I am privileged to be a part of these lives that matter so much.  Grateful that Bill is my solid rock and builds our foundation (and tolerates my crazy).  Celebrate the important people in your life – don’t wait for birthdays, or special occasions – today is reason enough.  Make sure they know how much you love them, often!

Why is it so much easier to talk honestly and openly in the dark?  We sat around the campfire tonight, mostly quiet at first.  It was interesting to consider the thoughts that float into consciousness – some things that hadn’t been thought about for a very long time.  Of course, some pretty recent stuff as well.

It seemed so easy and natural to talk about some of the “stuff” in the dark – even say some things that I wanted to be known, but wouldn’t have had the courage to talk about during the daylight.  It was fun to reminisce, remember the important people in my life that are no longer here, and appreciate those still here.  It gave me the opportunity to consider the influence that specific relatives and friends had for me in my growing up years.  We talked about values, loyalty, acceptance – the kind of things that sitting in the dark, staring at the flames allow you to discuss.

Loyalty – we talked about employer/employee loyalty – that time when you accepted a job with the intent of remaining with that employer until you retired.  You gave your best to your employer because you knew that they were also looking out for you.  Brand loyalty – you stuck with a brand that you trusted because you felt that the manufacturer would stick with quality.  Relationships – again, loyal to them because you expected mutual respect, trust, and loyalty.  Sadly, that seems so “old-fashioned” now.

Acceptance – just my silent reflections, considering the influence of friends and family growing up.  I was one of those awkward kids – quiet, happier with books than people, not athletic (and frequently reminded of that by a few influential-not parental- people in my life), a rule-follower, and scared of most things.  Even though it would have scared me silly, I so wanted to be part of the “cool kids” group.  I guess as you gain more life experience (grow up, get older, whatever you want to call it), you realize that those “cool kids” didn’t really have so much more, and often had less.  Fast forward to now – I want to work on being quieter – listen more and talk less.  I like people more than books, although there is still comfort in books – especially a real book that you hold in your hands and turn actual pages.  I am delighted to discover than while not a “real” athlete – I can and do enjoy physical activity and athletic endeavors.  For the most part, I am still a rule-follower, but I also like pushing the envelope sometimes.  Fortunately, I am less scared of most things now.  There is still a part of me that sometimes feels the need to belong to a “cool kids” group, and sometimes I try.  Sitting by the fire tonight, I realized that the only real “cool kids” group that I need to belong to is the one attached by heart strings.

I am afraid of heights.  Not like the heights associated with flying and airplanes.  Maybe it is really a fear of falling.  We visited a lighthouse today – pretty small as lighthouses go.  It was open, and it was possible to climb the staircase to the top and look out.  I have tried many times in the past to climb to the top to see the view – in lighthouses, on a really cool path in the Badlands (specifically Notch Trail), and several other opportunities.  I thought today was going to be the day.  There was only Mom and Bill,  and they were looking around, so I started up the steps.  And chickened out, again.  I sat by the fire tonight, mad at another missed opportunity.  Honestly, mad and disappointed at myself for not having the guts to climb the damn stairs.  I could have asked Bill to help me, and he would have in a heartbeat.  Nope, decided if I couldn’t do it on my own, I didn’t need to see the view.  Nothing like cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Sitting by the campfire is a wonderful place to reflect, to talk, to share, and to appreciate life.  It’s a good place to fan the flames in your life that need to burn more brightly, and it’s a good place to put out the fires that shouldn’t be burning.  It’s a great place to start fires that need to be explored.  After all, it’s dark, it’s safe, and it’s inviting.

It seems that I may be at one of those “cliff-jumping” experiences.  You’ve probably seen the memes – about trusting God because he will either catch you or teach you how to fly.  Well, I am standing at the edge and looking over…I know what “the cliff” is comprised of.  It is made up entirely of my lack of confidence in my ability.  (This isn’t related to the marathon, either!)  I have a wonderful opportunity being offered to me; it is new, very closely aligned with personal and professional values that I appreciate, and fits so much better with what we are doing.  My current “situation” is rapidly becoming unfriendly and uncomfortable.  Just writing this out, it seems like a no-brainer.  Run to the good!  Run to the light!  I’ve been dancing with this for the last month – actually, not dancing with but dancing around the issue.  Today, God nudged me a little closer to the edge.

I am so thankful to have Bill to talk this stuff over with – I just wish I had his confidence.  He has a quiet self-confidence that is peace-filled – at least from my vantage point – and he just carries on.  Then there is me – watching the dirt and stones fall over the edge and trying to back step as quick as I can and at the same time, build the cliff edge further out.

It’s time for me to up my game, what I really want to do is back up a couple steps and run full-tilt to the edge and take a flying leap of faith and trust.  Believe me – I have faith and trust that God already has this figured out.  It’s me that I don’t have as much faith and trust in!  Over this coming week I am going to back up a couple steps and launch….and you know what is going to happen?  I am going to discover that the new plan is a million times better than what I have now.  I am going to learn that I can trust myself (at least a little more than I think I can), and that I do know what I am doing.  Bill will be able to say “I told you so”, and I will let him.  And I will eventually chide myself for my lack of faith.  Best of all – will be the huge “Thank you God” as I enjoy the new experiences.

I recognize the need for this leap of faith.  It will most likely be a springboard for many other situations that I know I am stagnating in.  I know that the feelings of restlessness, vague discontent, and general unease are symptoms that change is coming and needed.  As uncomfortable as the thought of change is, I am grateful for the grace and wisdom God brings in nudging me that much closer to the edge.  So, with His watchful eye and outstretched arms – I am ready – to be caught, or to fly – up to Him!  I am not going to even pack a parachute for this one.

How about you?  Are you on the edge or do you need to be?  Is it time for a faith check?

A word about goals and marathons…they have not been forgotten.  The marathon attempt was a very valuable lesson in so many ways.  Much of that I am still thinking on, and will be for a while.  One of the biggest blessings to come from the whole thing was the outpouring of kindness from my family and friends.  That is still like a warm blanket I can wrap myself up in.  The love it contains is a priceless gift.  It is time for me to shift my focus for a time, but I am not giving up.  Time to think about new goals and what direction we will head off in next.  Besides, I think this next jump might help with decision making….

Ready to jump?  Let’s go!

This past Saturday, I tried and did not complete my first marathon.  Wow, did I handle that poorly!  There was no grace, no joy, no understanding, tolerance, or compassion.  The only thought I could see, hear, and feel was failure – with a capital FAILURE.  I was really angry with my wonderful friends and family when they told me they were proud of what I did accomplish (14 miles).  What I heard was “I am proud of you for failing”.

Everything was going pretty good – we started out with an awesome flyover by an F-22 and P-51, and a nice cool morning.  After the crowd thinned out, I starting figuring out who was around my turtle pace, and enjoyed looking around.  The first hill that I fretted about was not a problem, and I was feeling good about pace.  I remembered to drink at each hydration station, and was using my gel and beans on schedule.  Just past mile 11 – something happened to my right ankle – whatever it was involved a lot of pain and I stepped quickly and off balance on to my left foot – triggering a different sort of pain in that ankle.  I gave it a little time and moved it and stretched it.  Movement hurt, but I wanted to keep going.  After another mile, the pain was more insistent and making me feel pretty queasy.  It was getting warmer, and the heat warning for the course was elevated to moderate.  By mile 14, I was feeling really bad and was afraid to continue.  So I quit.  I failed.  I was not a happy camper.  When I got on the van to be taken back, there was one other person in the van.  By the time we made it back to the finish line, there were 8 of us, and the driver was going back for another “load”.

It has taken me until today, or maybe until last evening to realize how many blessings and good things happened as well.  Also, to take a good look at some possible contributing factors.  I was short on sleep, and have been “enjoying” multiple stressors (both eustress and distress type) for the past two months.  As a result, I found myself cutting corners on some of my cross-training activities and short runs.  I quit keeping my training journal up (this makes me very sad because it is so great to go back and see how much progress I’ve made), and I let my training become work.  I was really afraid that I had done something to the hardware in my ankle.

I was hellbent on making myself miserable for what was probably a good decision.  But I will always wonder if I could/should have just pushed through it.  It took someone asking me if I was ready to let this go – and my response was NO – and being asked when I would be ready to let it go for me to realize that I had to make that choice.  It wasn’t being forced on me.  After I thought about it, I realized how ridiculous I was being.

There was so much grace all around me on Saturday – and I will be back next year.  A year wiser, a year stronger, and I will get to ring the PR bell!

I met so many inspirational runners – I will cherish the stories they shared with me on our journey.  I will celebrate the fact that I maintained a pretty constant pace comfortable (albeit slowly) that would have had me crossing the finish line in the allotted time.  I am 14 miles wiser about marathons.  I am unbelievably blessed to have the wishes and encouragement of so many friends.  I do feel like I let myself down – a little.  I am more determined than ever to go the distance.  Bill is such a wonderful source of support – he sat down with me and helped me define my goals for the next year.  Pretty amazing since he had to deal with all my crazy from this last attempt.  He is also my great inspiration – he finished the 10k in good time.  And he still loves me.  My kids taught me a lot this weekend as well.  So much grace and learning in this experience.  This student has much to learn.

One of the benefits of our new lifestyle is being able to travel at a moment’s notice.  This past week found us on an unplanned journey and rearranging some schedules.  Big benefit:  we didn’t have to figure out what to pack!  We were already packed.  It was just a matter of rearranging schedules, putting things in “go mode”, pulling in the slides and hooking up.  We were traveling on a holiday weekend, one that is traditionally marked by lots of camping – and sometimes making finding a campsite on short notice a challenge.  Not to worry, when it came time to find a campsite, God had a plan.  We found a campsite on our first night on the road – unique little place, and we were grateful that there had been an unexpected early departure from a site that was just the right size for us.

At our destination, we opted to stay for one night at a county park until we could check out the campground we planned on staying at.  I will admit that for that first night, I was grumbly about staying here.  No water hook-up, no sewer – just electricity.  So grumbly, in fact, that I completely missed the beauty of this place.  Maybe I was just road weary, I know I was worried some other things.  Thankfully, God had this under control also.  The next morning, I looked around and realized what Bill had noticed immediately – this place is what camping is about!  There are other campers here, but you wouldn’t know it.  We are about a mile from the entrance, and no roads or trains (this is a family joke) so no noise from these.  There are also no lights in this park.  The trees are magnificent – very tall and beautiful.  It’s like being all alone in the middle of the forest.  The shower house is a decent walk, but considering the setting, it’s worth it.  It is unbelievably peaceful – and once I unbent my attitude, I was able to let the peace of this place start to seep in – and push the worry out.  We needed this – a time of quiet solitude, some time together away from the world.  I needed this – a lesson in letting go of what I can’t control, remembering that God is in control (and He is truly much better at control than I am), and allowing peace to refill my empty spots.  I mentioned ego and control in an earlier post – and I obviously didn’t do so well at letting either go.  There is much grace to be found in this lovely place of seclusion.  As you read this, you might be thinking that we are somewhere far away from “civilization”?  We are probably around 50 miles from Washington, DC.  When we leave our sanctuary, we are very intimidated by the traffic!  Another lesson here – peace amidst chaos – it’s there, I just need to have faith and open my eyes.  Bill is so good at this, and I have so much to learn.

Rainy days – last evening, we were treated to thunderstorms.  In a forest, they are pretty impressive.  It’s not just a sound show.  You could feel the thunder reverberating, and the lightning was no slouch either.  We woke up to rain this morning, and it has continued all day.  The good kind of rain – mostly gentle and persistent – a good soaking rain.  We ran some errands and did some sorely needed laundry (think running out of underwear and socks), and Bill treated me to lunch.  I talked myself out of my run yesterday and was feeling pretty upset with myself about that.  When we got back home, I found a little paper fortune from a fortune cookie – “It’s time for you to learn to dance in the rain rather than wait for the sun.”.  We didn’t have lunch at a Chinese restaurant, and this little slip just kind of turned up.  I took this as a nudge from Above, so I put on my running stuff, dug out my new and unused running rain jacket, and did my 3 miles.  In the rain, among the tall trees, alone, quiet with no music.  It left me feeling peaceful and content, and at the same time – wanting more.  Thankful that we’ll be here until Monday – and I can sneak in more runs.  God is an excellent running companion, and I’m looking forward to a few more with Him in this place.  Now, sitting here with Bill, it’s dark and the noise we hear is from insects and rain on our roof.  Another bonus:  living in an RV means you get to hear rain on your roof!  It feels cozy, we are warm, safe, and together.  I could have totally missed this joy if I hadn’t “unbent” and let go.

Butterflies – Freds #2, 3, and 4 hatched out before we left.  Mom and I took them out and set them free in her lovely flower garden.  It’s really pretty cool to hold a butterfly on your hand – something that is so breathtakingly beautiful and you have watched it through the amazing transformation.  We have 4 more in various stages – two in chrysalis, one in a “J”, and one that Mom found really small, so this little lady is still munching her way through milkweed.  Life really is a miracle – a never-ending journey of birth and rebirth, growth, and transformation – and that cycle continues from birth through death.  Just like the caterpillar that can’t really control when it enters an instar, there are circumstances in our lives that are like instars.  One of my “instars” right now is work.  I’m not sure what God is planning with this, but I am trying to let go of control and have faith.  This seems to be either a period of rest for me, or a time of change and transition.  I am trying to choose to feel curiosity and excitement instead of worry and fear.

Those are my grace lessons this week.  Working on staying open, grateful, and receptive to the abundance and joy around me, while remembering that I am “enough” yet unfinished – and I don’t have to be in control!

My opportunity to touch a miracle.

Mom’s turn…

Mom’s hand, gentle, nurturing, and strong.

A very wise person suggested that EGO means ‘”edging grace (or God) out”.  I also have a book to read titled “Ego is the Enemy”.  It never ceases to amaze me that the very things that I find so irritating in other people are the exact things that I do.  People that I see as “control freaks” drive me nuts….those of you who know me – well, maybe I have control issues…  The list is long.  I realize how grace-filled my friends and family are to tolerate me.

Wednesday was my last long training run before the marathon.  I ran/walked/limped farther than I ever have before.  This whole marathon training thing has been interesting – in many ways.  I decided to be brave and try to do at least half without music.  I wanted to see what “came up” to think about.  It has taken me until today (Friday) to digest everything.  Wednesday morning started early, I have discovered that it is better to start some of these endeavors before my mind and body are fully awake.  As I was leaving the car to start out, my mind sort of woke up and asked “who in their right mind would get up early, to run in the cold and rain, for 24 miles?  Why would you want to do this?  You’ve never done this before, probably can’t, and at your age…”  I adjusted the volume – or tuned it out – and started putting one foot in front of the other.

I made it over half way without music, finally turned it on so I would pick up my pace a bit.  But the quiet time was good.  I thought about this sign that Beth and Joe gave me – it sits out where I can see it every day.  I realize that faith, trust, control, and ego are my challenges.  The first two I need more of, and the last two I really need to let go.  I also realized that until I can really (and I mean REALLY) like who I am, where I am at, and what I am doing; I am just spinning my wheels.  I really did make it 24 miles – and instead of celebrating, I was upset that I didn’t have a better pace, that my body was sore and tired, and fretting that I might not make the time limits for the marathon.  There is a window of opportunity to change the race distance for the marathon, as in drop down to a lesser distance.  I thought about that while I was running.  I could totally play it safe and drop back to the half marathon.  I know I could finish within the time allotted.  I also know that I would be disappointed in myself for taking the safe option.  I would always wonder “what if”.  Nope, not going to change.  I realize that if I don’t make it to mile 21 by a specific time, I will be pulled off; and the same if I don’t maintain a minimum pace.  I will never know if I don’t try, and even if I am pulled off the course, I will be farther ahead than by choosing the safe way.  I also know that it is OK to celebrate finishing 24 slow miles, and give my body a chance to recover – after all, it has never done this before.  Just wait until it finds out what I have planned for it in a couple weeks.

Fred #1 hatched and was released.  Freds #2-4 will soon be emerging, and we found a few more caterpillars to watch.  I think perhaps one of the grace lessons God sent me is the realization that it is time to create a chrysalis, spend some quiet time, and get ready to test some new wings.  What a profound realization – to know that we have the opportunity to transform in so many ways and often in our lifetime.  Unlike Fred, poor guy only has one opportunity to go from caterpillar to butterfly.  God gives us unlimited opportunities to transform.  Once is not enough.  Each time is a chance to be better, and to realize that next time will be even more exciting.  It is time to embrace the thought of building the chrysalis instead of fearing it.

Bill helped me finish on Wednesday.  He did the last 4 miles with me.  Around 22 miles, I really wanted to ask him to go get the car and pick me up.  I know he would have encouraged me to stick it out first, but he would have let me stop if I really thought I needed to.  I did some soul-searching and somewhere deep inside, I found a much younger version of my red-headed self.  She was sitting cross-legged, finger pointing and saying “No – you will not quit.  Prove them wrong – you can finish, you can do this.”  So I did, and I am thankful.  Grateful that I am sore and tired, because I know that I am stronger than I have ever been, and not as strong as I have the potential to be.  Whatever the outcome of the marathon, it will push me farther than I have ever been, and make me wonder how much farther I can go.

You have the same opportunities.  Maybe it’s time to build your chrysalis?  During your “quiet time”, consider what your next challenge or transformation might be.  Summon your inner child and discuss dreams.  Make a play date – and keep it!  I’m going to try, and I’m going to rely on my friends and family with their limitless grace to keep me on task.